alexsunmners:

Alex Summers + reasons not to kiss her

a/n; this fits into what is easily one of the angstiest fics that @kurtwxgners and i have ever talked about and also this is one of my new favourite prompt lists anyway @paperclipmac @mvximoff love you

this sort of love is not allowed. you are both too soft, and the world around you is all knives and chipped teeth

You’re examining the injury in Alex’s shoulder. It was careless of him to get shot, really. He should have been watching his back a little more closely. It’s not serious but it fucking hurts and as he lets out a low hiss of pain, you murmur a quiet apology. Your hands are soft and gentle and as you carefully clean the wound and stitch the edges, he can’t take his eyes off of you. It’s stupid, really, the way he’s suddenly seeing you. Maybe in a different time, in a different place he wouldn’t notice you at all. Maybe you would have walked right past him without looking back. Maybe not. But you’re both here, in this hellhole and the softness of your touch is the most tenderness he’s gotten in almost a year. 

You’re examining his shoulder and he’s watching you and the tent is silent; at least, as close to silent as it ever gets in the army camp. You’re beautiful and a little distant and he wants to kiss you, wants the closeness of allowing himself to hold you, of trying to forget the war together at least for a short while. Your fingertips brush over his skin and your brow furrows and the weight of his wanting is almost overwhelming in the stillness. Alex has held himself apart from any kind of feeling at all for so long, and now all the things he’s pushed away are coming crashing down on him. You glance up, meeting his gaze and the world around the two of you seems to stop, everything going quiet for a second. Your breath catches and your hand settles against his bicep and he’s so close to just leaning towards you, so close to letting himself kiss you and forget what a horrible idea that would be. The silence stretches on for a few more heartbeats and then Alex looks away, trying to push the thought of your lips to the back of his mind. 

He wants the closeness, the reprieve of physical intimacy, he wants you. But he knows if he lets himself have you, lets himself give in to his need to forget, then he’s vulnerable. He can’t afford to lose anything else, can’t afford to be attached to anything here. You are one more beautiful, delicate thing in the world and this place is not kind to good things and so he turns away from you, trying to convince himself that fantasy is close enough to reality and that thinking about kissing you is enough for him.